Across Time and EternityBy Doriana Graye
I hear the wind call your name
It calls me back home again
It sparks up a fire--a flame that still burns
Oh it’s to you I’ll always return
I believe it’s the Bible that says that love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. What the good book happened to leave out is that love is erratic. You can’t help who you love, when you love them, or how you love them, and I’m a perfect example of that. Before…I had never seen my boyfriend. I couldn’t have told you how many different smiles he has or how his hand felt against my cheek. I could, however, describe his soul in vivid, exact detail.
That’s the beauty of an online relationship, I guess--what you lose in physical intimacy you gain twice over in another kind, that of the heart.
Caede and I shared this incredible everyday love for three years. There was nothing magnificent or extraordinary about it; frankly, I doubt either one of us could tell you how this love even came about. One day it was just there, as naturally as if it had been a piece of us our entire lives. Either way, it was full of laugher, compassion, and support. There are days I can’t help but wonder whether I returned half of that back to him, and I’m sure I didn’t, but I loved him with all my soul as best as I could. I still do, but there’s no way for him to know.
No way for me to tell him…
I still feel your breath on my skin
I hear your voice deep within
I never saw the 18-wheeler swerve on the other side of the freeway. Honestly, I can’t even say I felt the impact. My death was instant. I didn’t have time to contemplate the irony of my now truly “compact” car, or feel pain. One second I was alive and the next I wasn’t. That’s the funny thing about life, isn’t it? Everyone tells you that it’s fleeting, but you never believe them until it’s too late.
The first part of death is black. It’s not a scary blackness, just one of bitter finality. Somewhere deep in the piece of your body that remains you, you realize there’s no coming back. I drifted there for what felt like hours, complacent in this extrasensory purgatory, content. As suddenly as I’d been thrown there, in one brief moment I felt myself tearing free of the blackness with a nearly audible pop, and then I was thrown headlong into the air, completely conscious.
Confusion hit me like a brick, and I had one brief moment to panic about floating before I recognized my car below me. Emergency crews circled around the wreckage and my heart clenched with panic. Had my sister borrowed my car? Was she OK? I felt myself fall closer to the scene and saw a blood covered arm hanging out of the window. I recognized the sweater she had on as my own first, then the long tan arm.
I fought the idea vehemently up until they pulled my mangled body from the wreckage. My body. I hovered over my prone from for a few minutes, confused, upset, fighting to understand what had just happened. I watched the scene unfold complete from rescue to flatline. Seeing my body get carted away under a sheet was too much and I turned away.
If I could have been sick, I would have. I was dead. The realization was not pretty.
Caede…
Suddenly, a soft wind wafted me up and away from the scene, embracing me and hurtling me through time and space.
The sound of my lover--a feeling so strong
It’s to you--I’ll always belong.
I guess I’d lost track of time somewhere. Everything seems so insignificant compared to your death, as funny as that sounds. Whatever had happened--and was happening to me--I was incapable of stopping it. Through the haze of disbelief and shock I realized I was in space, or something like it. There weren’t any planets, just millions and millions of stars in some inky blackness that was thick enough to cut.
I was a nothingness. It felt as if I was no more than mist, slowly drifting towards one pinpoint of life as a cloud of separate molecules. I was delicate as thought, still drifting towards the light. I laughed the giddy laugh of the insane. “The light”. How cliché. The sweet, lavender smelling wind still followed me, radiating out from within, gently pushing me the direction I was supposed to go. This, I realized, was God.
My whole life I’d sat in church, hearing that God was a part of every Christian, blah blah blah. After a while, a person becomes desensitized to sermons. In this one instant, though, I realized how true it was. Whether it be God, or Allah, or some other variant of any higher power, the truth was that it existed. My next thought was that I had to tell Caede.
Caede. Suddenly, the pain was unbearable, doubly worse because it took the place of a previous emptiness. For some reason, I had felt…nothing before this. No pain, no loss, no curiosity, no fear; all I had felt was a mild curiosity and a compulsion. But now…I had to turn around! My senses reawakened, and I tried to grab my head in a futile attempt to lessen the onslaught. When I realized I had no hands--no body, for that measure--an innate human instinct of panic crippled me.
I screamed into the blankness first in emotional, then in physical pain, seeking release from this new and unwanted Hell and finding none. To my horror, part of the dust I had become stopped moving and began pulling away. Before I could wonder what body part was taking leave of me, the hurt overtook me and set every nerve ending I may (or may not) have had on fire. Stars began winking out rapidly as a faintness began encroaching on my senses. Somehow, I knew that this was it. I was going to become nothing. It was going to be as if I never was.
Caede…
Now I know it’s true
My every road leads to you
And in the hour of darkness, darlin’
Your light gets me through
Life can be scary and death is just as bad. Let me amend that: death wasn’t unpleasant when I was completely oblivious. It was happy, actually. In my mind I was going Home. Caede, or the memory of him at least, had thrown a wrench into that plan. I mentally sighed, lacking the lips to do so out loud. Admittedly, I was a little ashamed that my family was not foremost in my thoughts. I mean, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Wish for one more day with your family to tell them you love them?
The truth of the matter was that Caede had become an integral piece of my life, just like breathing. There was never a doubt in my mind that no matter what I did or said, Caede would stand by me. That small piece of my soul that I’d come to identify as a greater being nudged my thought process just a little bit. Caede and I were…soul mates? I let the phrase drop through my mind like the delicate concept it was. I treasured the truth of it. I slowly, through divine help, began to understand how privileged I’d been in life, and how much I’d lost in death. Crystalline tears began dripping down my cheeks at the thought, landing lightly on my lap.
Wait, my cheeks? I immediately flew to my feet, roughly slapping my face to assure myself of its presence. I picked up a glistening tear on my fingertip, then dropped it on my tongue. Wetness. Saltiness. Wow. I never thought I’d ever miss my body, mainly because I never thought I’d ever be missing my body. It was pleasantly shocking to have it back. I took a deep breath (I was breathing?) and sank to the floor. The rough Berber carpet was a welcome feeling against my shins and I struggled to keep my wits about me. I was in an unfamiliar place in a body that should be mangled and, well, dead. It was all too much. I moaned and let my head fall into my hands.
Suddenly, there was a slam that reverberated through my skull, sending me instantly to my feet. A crash of glass echoed it, and I held my arms in front of my face to ward off an immanent attack. Hey, if a dead girl was sitting in my house, I’d try and hurt her too.
Except no attack came. After a few heart pounding seconds, I slowly turned my face back towards the origin of the sounds, careful to keep my arms up protecting my eyes. I squinted my brown eyes (were they still brown?) through a space in between my arms, stammering a quick apologetic,
“Please don’t hurt me. I, uh…come in peace. I can explain.”
Silence. Ominously heavy breathing. Good thing I was already dead. Wasn’t I?
“Kara?”
I want to swim in your river
Be warmed by your sun
Bathe in your waters
Because you are the one
Strong arms encircled me before I could even have the grace to be distressed. In a second, I had been lifted off the ground and spun around, and it took a second for me to punch my assailant hard in the shoulder. There was a muffled “oof” and I hit the ground in an unceremonious pile, all legs and no grace. I quickly realized that I was mysteriously wearing a white skirt that I’d never seen before and pulled it down to my ankles in an attempt for modesty.
“Damn it, Kara! That hurt.” A familiar, and slightly pained, voice said from close to my ear, and I turned to begin a barrage of questions that were flitting through my mind with all the speed of attention deficit gnats. I opened my mouth to speak, but every question backlogged down my throat when I saw who I’d just so rudely punched.
A pair of beautiful brown eyes blinked amazedly at me through stylishly long, disheveled auburn hair. A pair of oblong, gold glasses had slid down his long nose and a lovely smile quirked his lips into a rakish smile. Unconsciously, my trembling fingers moved tentatively towards his cheek. I tried to speak, choked, then tried again.
“Caede.” His name came out as more of a croak, and I winced. So much for the sexy-breathy whisper of my dreams, and much to my chagrin, he laughed. It was a nice laugh, and I beamed back at him.
“Kara, how’d…why’d…when…” Caede began again and again. His thick Australian accent pulled at my heartstrings. Unlike me and my unholy desire to speak like a frog, Caede’s stammer was cute. Impulsively I took his head in my hands and leaned in to kiss him.
As soon as my lips brushed his I thought of a million things I wanted to say to him, to explain to him, to tell him. Just as quickly, though, the world fell out from underneath me and all that was left was Caede. I gasped in surprise as his mouth met mine fiercely and I instinctively wrapped my arms around his shoulders. Our kiss shared everything that words couldn’t. Our love was there in the way Caede’s mouth caressed mine, our bond in the way I gently nibbled his lip. The miraculous fire from our passion told us both that we would always be “us”, never “me“. We would never belong to ourselves again because with just one kiss, we became each other. Never alone, never again.
I can’t stand the distance--I can’t dream alone
I can’t wait to see you--Yes, I’m on my way home
A few hours later I lay curled up against Caede’s lithe body, encircled in his protective arms. I leaned my head against his chest and traced my finger over his stomach, delighting in the goosebumps that arose in the wake of my touch. I made my way up his chest, then began retracing my path, memorizing the feel of him with the desperation of the doomed.
I felt him kiss the top of my head and pull me closer against his lean frame, and I sighed contentedly. Caede was considerably taller than I was and I fit perfectly against his body as if I’d been made for him. He gently brushed his lips against the top of my head, his auburn hair mingling with my black. The contrast was startling and intricately beautiful. I felt his lips move down my cheek and to my neck and I gasped. I slipped my arms around his waist and gave a little growl of delight as he nibbled the bend of my neck.
“Kara? Are you listening?” I started slightly and leaned back so I could catch his gaze. His lips were quirked up into that sly, pleased-with-himself grin that I had already discerned as a harbinger of trouble. It must have reflected in my face because he laughed (that glorious laugh that I can still hear) and gently traced my frown with his finger.
“You make it hard to listen.” I replied and kissed his finger lightly. I started to wiggle in close to him again, but his strong hands held me in place. I glanced up at him questioningly and frowned deeper when I saw a sadness in his eyes. I wanted so badly to chase that sadness away that my heart nearly burst with love, and I reached up to caress his cheek.
Caede closed his eyes and turned to kiss my palm lightly before he took my hand in his. Instead of pulling my hand back I instead entwined my fingers with his, recognizing his need to talk instead of act. His face contorted into a look of deadly seriousness and I shivered at his intensity.
“How did you get here?” Directly blunt, that question. I winced, thinking of how much truth Caede needed to hear, and decided to tell the truth. I opened my mouth to begin at the beginning, but instead I said,
“I don’t know.” I sighed. Obviously there were things best kept secret. He gave me a piercing look, then sighed.
“Alright, I don’t need to know, I guess. How long can you stay?”
“’Til morning,” I answered promptly, again not of my own volition. Caede’s hands slid around my waist and pulled me close with a moan of displeasure. I patted his arm comfortingly, and continued, “I know, love. I know, and I’m sorry.”
Caede kissed me on the forehead lightly in understanding reply. I blinked in amazement. Somehow, even though he knew nothing, he understood my need for secrecy and accepted it. I felt tears trickle down my cheeks and buried my face against his chest as my heart threatened to break as I cursed death in two languages and with a vehemence only drunken sailors possess. Caede, returning my favor from moments before, slid his hands along my back in comfort and I cried openly.
“I…I love you, Caede.” I choked out, meeting his eyes, naked in my emotion.
“I love you, too.” Caede’s own tears fell against my cheek and mingled with mine as we spoke our last words to each other.
Oh I hear the wind call your name
The sound that leads me home again
I felt the exact moment that dawn arrived. My eyes fluttered open as the first sunbeam filtered across the Australian outback, gently lighting the midnight sky. I choked back another wave of emotion as I turned in Caede’s possessive embrace and kissed him softly while he slept, over and over. He moaned softly and stirred against me as soft light began to filter into his endearingly messy room and I felt, rather than saw, him awake.
“Kara?” He moaned, sleep confused, but it was already too late. I felt myself becoming insubstantial and fought it with every ounce of my being. Caede tried to grab my wrists in his hands but met nothing but air and let out a cry of fear and frustration. He rose to his knees as I gently floated towards the ceiling and made another play for me, missing again. I blinked through the physical pain of fighting the call and nearly died again at the look of anguish and confusion on his face. Better Caede thought this all was a dream. Better Caede never thought of me again, but I couldn’t find it within myself to tell him. Selfish? Yes.
“Caede, I love you. I will always love you and watch over you. I promise.” My voice, at first strong, slowly faded out to a soft whisper. He called my name a few times, I’m certain. He may have even told me he loved me, but I’ll never know. Within seconds I had faded out entirely, and I was gone. He was gone. We were gone.
It sparks up a fire--a flame that still burns
Oh, it’s to you I will always return
It’s been ten years since the accident that ended my life and I’ve spent each and every second of that time watching over and protecting Caede. I could merely observe as he struggled with my passing and coped with our brief encounter and the effect it had on his life. I watched as Caede became successful in life not only with his career but as a person. I looked on as he never married, never tried for a relationship. I’d listen as he spoke to me when he was alone, telling me how much he missed me.
Every once in a while I sneak down to Caede’s room and lay beside him as he sleeps. The first time he started talking to me startled me--I didn’t think that he’d know I was there--but he did. He slid his arm across the bed precisely where my waist would be had I been material and we laid there, neither one of us being able to speak but both being reassured by the other’s presence. Since then, I visit as often as I can, always at night unless its an emergency. Those nights are what keep me from succumbing to the painful ache in my heart and ease its reflection in Caede’s.
Occasionally I’ll leave Caede a sign after one of our visits, normally to answer one of his questions. It’s almost a game, my choosing objects to leave beside him in bed and his deciphering of their meaning. Sometimes he laughs at my humor, sometimes he cries at my love. Either way, I’m always looking over him.
I’ve seen every sunset and with all that I’ve learned,
Please don’t misunderstand me; religion doesn’t lie when they tell you that Heaven is a happy place. It’s truly a perfect place because Heaven is exactly what you want it to be. There’s no pain, no sadness, no sickness…for most. For me, however, there is a constant ache in my chest. The other tenants of Heaven tell me it’s because my soul isn’t in Heaven at all, but on earth with Caede.
I know one day Caede and I will be together again, no matter how long I have to wait. We are a fated love, destined across time, space, and eternity.
Always to you
I will always, always, return.
Song lyrics courtesy of Bryan Adams
© Doriana Graye |